Nothing To Sneeze At: Allergies – A Different Kind of March Madness

March 27, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Intrasomatic Conspiracy Allergies, Health, Intrasomatic Conspiracy

“Do you have a cold?” ask the worrisome and retreating. A flustered voice calls out from behind a flurry of waving white tissues “no, it’s just allergies.” A muffled snort punctuates the words. Hands are neither extended nor shaken.

That’s me, in case you haven’t figured it out, sinus passages inflamed and all. There but for the grace of God go I in a fit of sneezing and hay fever. This time of year, most people are enjoying the dunking and soaring flights of NCAA basketball players ala ‘March Madness’. In my house this March, there is also madness and dunking, but of another kind. Slam dunk go the crumpled tissues heavy with snot, and hopefully, clear mucous. Metaphorically speaking, its spring and the colors of autumn are not welcome.

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Lizard Vision: The Eyes Don’t Have It.

March 19, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Intrasomatic Conspiracy Health, Intrasomatic Conspiracy

Warning: Read With Both Eyes Open.

Photo Source: http://fav.me/d1m97w7

Let every eye negotiate for itself and trust no agent.
– William Shakespeare

All cliches aside, I’m trying hard not to make a spectacle of myself, but I’m tired of having lizard vision. Some lizards, such as the Yemen chameleon, have eyes on either side of their heads. In fact, each eye can move independently of the other. This makes it difficult to look them straight in the eyes and get an honest answer about anything – and certainly not about my vision problems.

Five years ago or so, my arms began to shrink. It seemed that I couldn’t hold reading material far enough away for reading comfort. Eventually, after seeking orthopedic consult, I wound up at a local ophthalmologist’s office. I’ll call her ‘Europa’. Things changed apparently in the 12 years or so since I had last gotten glasses. I was surprised to learn that a machine was developed that would read your eyes and calculate the exact eyeglass prescription needed… assuming of course there was no calibration error. I’ve learned in life never to assume, however.

Anyway, I was given a prescription for new lenses and also one for my first pair of reading glasses. Arriving at the optician, I figured ‘in for a penny, in for a pound’ so I also ordered a pair of prescription sunglasses. It took a few days before everything would be ready, and in that space of time I tried to come with terms with ageing and the various situations that would warrant my having to carry 3 pairs of glasses or wear anything dangling from my neck. When my glasses were ready, I coughed up a month’s salary and tried on the first pair. To my chagrin, the left lens seemed to be off. I felt like I was looking through the bottoms of 2 different coke bottles. In fact, I had the same problem with the reading and sunglasses.

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Earthquakes, Tsunamis & A Small World, After All

March 12, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Uncategorized Carl Sagan, Chaos Theory

Over the last century, people have observed that due to technology, the world has gotten a lot smaller.

In 1903 the first public transatlantic two-way wireless communication between Europe and America occurred.
In 1924, the first around-the-world airplane flight was achieved.
In 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnick 1, the first satellite to orbit the world.
In 1982, the term Internet was coined, and in 1991 the network went public. Since then electronic communication regularly circumnavigates the globe in seconds.

In 2011, Mother Nature threw her hat into the ‘ring of fire’ as well. Yesterday, March 11th, at 2:46pm, a devastating Earthquake measuring 8.9 on the Richter scale ravaged Japan’s northeast coast, triggering a 23-foot tsunami sweeping residents, residences and tons of debris miles inland. The quake also spawned a flotilla of tsunamis threatening almost 20 countries across the Pacific Ocean, including Mexico, the United Stated and Canada. Hours later, in California and Oregon, many boats and harbors were extensively damaged by these wild waves. It was reported that a man had been swept out to sea.

Thus far, as of this writing, the enormity of this natural disaster has yet to be tallied. It is revealed only in the acres of mud, scorched earth and large swaths of wreckage that blanket the land. The Earth has yet to give up her dead in the large numbers that have only been speculated at.

The global unaffected gather around televisions and computer monitors to gasp at the horrifically surrealistic images that affront their senses and to grasp at their significance. But, to be honest, who among us can say that anyone is truly ‘unaffected’ in this day and age of transglobal communication and sensitivities? It’s one thing to see pictures and streaming video, and to share in the communal melancholy. It’s another to fathom how we are all linked to the fragility of our ecosystem that reminds us that we are all victims of the Butterfly Effect. We are all sensitive dependants of chaotic world events, and living examples of the concept of sensitive dependence on initial conditions in Chaos Theory. One needs not be versed in applied mathematics to know that misery loves company, or that empathy breeds altruism, or that one large asteroid hitting home may doom us all. Just ask the dinosaurs.

In 1990, our planet was photographed by the Voyager 1 spacecraft. The photo, dubbed, The Pale Blue Dot revealed just how small the Earth is in comparison with the rest of the universe – a point which was further driven home by the late famed astronomer, astrophysicist, and cosmologist, Carl Sagan, on whose orders the photographed was taken. In his book, Cosmos, he wrote “The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent to the concerns of such puny creatures as we are.” This may be true. Yet, the one thing that has become increasingly clear is that despite our smallness and that of our shrinking planet … we are all in this together.

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PS. Thanks for reading. My prayers go out to the victims of this tragedy. For those who would like to help, please find below a list of credible agencies that are currently taking donations for a relief effort for Japan.American Red Cross Convoy Of Hope Save The Children International Medical Corps

Global Giving More Information:

http://japan.person-finder.appspot.com/?small=yes&lang=en

Intrasomatic Conspiracy: Part 4 – Going To The Gym (A New Hope)

March 5, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Dialogues, Intrasomatic Conspiracy Dr. Oz, Fear, Intrasomatic Conspiracy

“He who has health, has hope. And he who has hope, has everything.”
– (Proverbs)

Mark Twain was credited as saying that the only way to keep your health is “to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” So this month I decided to start going to the gym. Now, in light of Mr. Clemens’s logic, it’s easy to see that the very reason why I decided to start working out is precisely … that I don’t want to.

Follow me on this one. Being the radical behaviorist I am, I knew that my normal way of thinking would prevent me from ever getting into a reasonable semblance of good shape. And, the truth is that I do want to exercise, I know it’s important…. and more importantly, I do want to feel good.Yet, I usually lack the combination of willpower, stamina, and zealous aptitude to maintain any sort of a health regimen for more than a week or two.

In the past, I’ve tried biking, as I mentioned in a previous post, but with disastrous results; broken elbows do tend to be off putting. I also tried waking each morning and walking along the nearby waterfront. Yes, I’ve heard Oprah Winfrey’s Dr. Oz claim that if we walk 10,000 steps a day, we’ll end up as fine specimens of ‘cardiological’ fitness. Unfortunately there is no guaranteeing craniological fitness, as well – as my feet would most likely agree. Bastards! They are equal accomplices in my body’s Intrasomatic Conspiracy to deprive me of the achieving of physical fitness and the eating of smaller portions. Ok, in all fairness, I can’t blame them for the latter. And anyway, even without their interference, I’m really my own worst enemy in some respects; I’m clumsy and accident prone. I don’t even walk properly! Here’s why:

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Intrasomatic Conspiracy: Part 3 – The Inflammation Wars

February 27, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Intrasomatic Conspiracy Dr. Oz, Health, Intrasomatic Conspiracy, Medical Quack

“It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.”
– Jackie Mason

I’ve often said that the problem with life is that life gets in the way. We bob on the surface of its vicious whirlpools that spin us ’round and ’round, and sometimes eventually down, down, down … glub, glub, glub. We start on one thing and soon enough something else takes precedence. That’s the way it’s been lately with my trying to write this post on inflammation. Now to be fair, one of the obstacles to my completing this piece has been some research on the subject I’ve found that has made for fascinating reading and has really got me thinking … which invariably might actually be a dangerous thing.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’ve been trying to pinpoint the one rogue disorder that has manifested in my body and transmogrified into a bountiful rotting harvest of assorted aches and pains, arthritic concerns, hernias, skin conditions, allergies and gastrointestinal duress. It’s obvious to me that there may be more than one culprit behind this inflammatory infestation … and that perhaps my body as a whole may be working against me in some unholy Intrasomatic Conspiracy.

Now the term inflammation comes from the Latin word ‘inflammare’ which means ‘to set on fire’. Yes, I’m inflamed, in fact, I’m downright incensed! Until recently, my war on inflammation has been mainly cerebral. I’ve tried reading up on what the root cause of my inflammation may be and what I can do about it. But, as always, I end up with ‘super-rific’, albeit conflicting, medical advice that is for the most part, one part supercillious and another part superfluous. Here are a few examples that read more like a “He Said, She Said” marriage counseling exercise:

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Intrasomatic Conspiracy: Part 2 – Attack of the Medical Acronyms

February 18, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Intrasomatic Conspiracy Big Business, Dr. Oz, Fear, Intrasomatic Conspiracy, Neurosis, Psychosis

“Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.”
– PlatoHow true. As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been off to the doctors recently to discover why I’ve had a plethora of medical problems over the last few years. Some might call it age, but I think not. I believe that it’s more likely that my overall level of health has been compromised at the behest of some intrasomatic conspiracy my body is apparently conducting.Allergies, arthritis, hernias, psoriasis, Barret’s Esophagus, gum problems, sinusitis, tinnitus, ocular pressure and of course, gastrointestinal distress have all manifested themselves over the years, preventing me from attaining systemic nirvana. Lord, if I still lived in the United States, someone would have thrown the Big Golden Book of medical acronyms at me, for certain.It seems that these days, medical acronyms are omnipresent. They seem to have part and parcel of mainstream Americana(bbaseball, hot dogs, apple pie and adverts for IBS and GERD). Purchase almost any US based magazine these days and there’s no doubt you’ll find at least 2 medical related ads before the table of contents.Not sure what a medical acronym is and why you should be concerned? Here’s a definition, especially for non-Americans who wonder where all the alcohol advertisements have gone: – a woefully long litany of letters suggesting a range of medical disorders “you might have”… according to the advertisers.

You see, since the American “powers that be” decided that it was culturally beneficial to thumb our collective noses at alcohol and tobacco advertising, these medical acronyms have bogarted the majority of all print-advertising space and television commercials in the United States. What I also find bizarre is that the proliferation and preponderance of these acronyms in advertising have made it politically correct for Americans to proudly confess they suffer from GERD and IBS, rather than from heart burn and the shits… and all in good company!

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Intrasomatic Conspiracy: Part 1 – An Ill Wind Blows

February 13, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Intrasomatic Conspiracy Hypochondria, Intrasomatic Conspiracy, Medical Quack, Neurosis, Self-Medicating, Woody Allen

The last month or so, I’ve felt a bit like some of the characters Woody Allen has played in his films. You know the characters: the worried ones that are priming themselves for a shot at being ordained a Patron Saint of Hypochondriacs.

Yes, I can relate, except I’m no hypochondriac. As such, I’ve been on a pilgrimage to find out what’s wrong with me. I need a handle on the situation. I need clarity. I need to make some sense of the random and collective aches and pains I have … and also a few chronic conditions, to boot. Not to mention the other few medical concerns, I might be plagued with, that I read about on the Internet and that are awaiting some medical confirmation.

There are days when I feel better, and then there are days when I feel worse. My body seems to have a rhythm all it’s own and resists any attempt to improve the status quo. Really, I’m not kidding. I think there is some intrasomatic conspiracy going on somewhere in my central nervous system. Consider the following evidence:

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My Morning Constitutional

February 8, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Uncategorized Existence, Existential Angst, Life, Meaning of Life, Philosophy

On more than many a morning, I wake to find the silence deafening. I sigh, acknowledging the cliche. All the while, the tension mounts just beyond my window, resonating off people, buildings, technology and wheeled transport – works in progress all. Yes, there are delights unseen awaiting, broiling us in microwaves of undulating currents, modulating the air we choke on.I’ve yet to rise, but I’m already on my way. My eye stings, my nose runs, my breath already soured from stale sleep. A short while later, the comfort of breakfast soothes and then bloats.

I am hurried to venture nothing with nothing to gain but the unholy pursuit itself that drives me to distraction. It’s a sacred ritual for some; it’s death to me. The loss of precious moments, youth, exuberance and creativity.

I think that I am, but perhaps I’m not. Eager to purge this allergen, I scratch, but the irritation persists. There is no ointment for this inflammation. No creams. Not even a poultice or a vapor rub.

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Social Networking: An Exercise In Irrelevancy

February 3, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Uncategorized

In the 1973 horror classic, The Exorcist, a priest asks the demonic squatter “who are you?” The pea soup spewing demon replies “I am no one.” Of course, the demon was speaking backwards so it took Father Damian some time to understand that it wasn’t speaking in tongues.

By the same token, it took me awhile to understand that Twitter is a bit more than a poor man’s Facebook. In fact, as I now understand it, it’s even more than a generic equivalent of the old MySpace Status Update feature. Yes, I now clearly see that the pseudo psychosocial role it plays is to confirm what apparently everyone else seems to know … except you and me. And, that is that we are completely irrelevant.

Ok, I know the truth hurts, but let’s face it, it’s true. Unless your last name is Lohan, Hilton, Spears, Pitt, Jolie or Bieber, you are no one – especially if you have ever attempted to conquer the Triple Crown of social networking platforms: MySpace, Facebook and Twitter. If you don’t believe me or refuse to admit to your social irrelevancy, consider the following evidence submitted for your review (tick all that apply):

MySpace: Keeping Up With The Olsen Twins

You sign up for MySpace and quickly discover that the rules of the game seem to be that the one with the most friends wins. You try valiantly and vainly to keep up with the a host of celebrities and other strangers who keep asking you to “add them” feigning the promise of real kinship, but offering only a once off “thanks for the add”. You eventually begin to wonder how the public at large might perceive the long parade of these sentiments in your comment stream. In time, after approximately hitting the 2543 friend mark, it dawns on you that your actions have revealed you to be nothing more than a pathetic voyeur-like slug trolling for some confirmation of your cyber existence.

At some point, you most likely attempt to show your static legion of who’s noones that you are a “people person” worth getting to know. And so, under the delusion that positive energy attracts positive energy, you begin updating your status with daily positive affirmations such as “I feel great today!” or “Happy to be alive!” or “Today, I’m walking on sunshine!” A response to your pie in the sky proclamations include a note from “The Raging Prune Spirits”, a Psychobilly music band outside of Saskatchewan, inviting you to come “punch the monkey” with them at “Manvir’s Hideaway”. Another response comes in the form of a pugnose Pekingese dog sporting a yellow bow named “Barf” that comments “better than walking on what I left behind”. Hope begins to build with the arrival of a message in your inbox with the title: “You Are The Best!” …. it’s from a dead rockstar you admired exclaiming how much he values your and his other 120,642 friends’ friendship, while also reminding you that he has a new “Best Of” collection out on iTunes.

Disheartened, you eventually abandon updating your MySpace page. Even three months later when you check in to see if in your absense you were missed, you discover to your chagrin that only Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrtets, America’s Next Top Model, Judd Jugmonger, Glenn Beck and a friend of Shane Dawson wants to be your friend… so does a Faust quoting cyborg named “Kilroy 3.0”.

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Profundity In 50 Words Or Less

January 29, 2011 Jay Leonard Schwartz Uncategorized Censorship, Stream Of Consciousness, Writing

I was told the other day that although I am a “good” writer, my posts are wearisomely verbose. It was suggested that my long winded rambling ruminations required compression, lest I risk losing my audience.

I was therfore advised to tame my wild thought processes and repress that which comes naturally to me. I believe other words included in the conversation were: sanitize, censor, abbreviate, emasculate and whittle.

In compliance, and as such, I will endeavor in earnest to wrangle my stream of consciousness in order to attain literary profundity in 50 words or less. [Enter pregnant pause here] CRAP! I’ve already written double that! Well heck, at least I gave it a shot. Ramble on …

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PS. Thanks for reading. Do you write what you think, or do you just think too much? Does having a brevity of words suggest self censorship? Let me know.