Tomatoes, Weiners, and Horses: Three Lessons

Over and over, the crow cries, uncover the cornfield.
Cabinessense: Brian Wilson & Van Dyke Parks


Here are three lessons to be learned from stories in real life and the news.

Lesson #1: Rotten Tomatoes
I live in a big city, on a main street that leads to the ‘centre’ of town. There are currently 3 supermarkets within an eighth of a mile radius from my apartment. Yesterday, I went into the closest one, the one in which I usually prefer NOT to go to. It’s small, the cashiers don’t smile, and the store’s inventory is more suited for senior citizens. Well yesterday, only because it’s across the street from me, I popped in quickly because we were out of milk. When I was checking out, one of the usually sour-puss cashiers offered me a package of cherry tomatoes … for free!

I was impressed, to say the least. I said thanks and left. When I got home, I mentioned to my ‘significant other’ the amazing circumstance that had transpired. Now she likes cherry tomatoes and so I wanted to show her this wonderful bounty that had fallen to me. She also was surprised I had got them for free. I joked, “yeah, they’re probably from Spain or Germany and teeming with that new strain of E. Coli”. I laughed. She laughed. Then I looked at the label; it read “product of Spain”.

Lesson to be learned: Never look a gift horse in the mouth, unless it has Mad Cow Disease, or has brought you produce from Germany or Spain.

Lesson #2: Sarah Palin Rides Again
Sarah Palin, gun nut and potential candidate for the President of the ‘United Stated of Central America’ was in the news again this week. In case you haven’t heard, she mangled the story of Paul Revere and his ride to Lexington, Massachusetts, to warn Samuel Adams and John Hancock that British troops were marching to arrest them. Most first graders know the story. You like to assume that most presidential hopefuls do, too.

During a visit to Paul Revere’s house she was asked about his famous ride. She replied with that ‘deer caught in the headlight’ meets Miss South Carolina meets ‘we’re not in Kansas anymore’ look and then offered that Paul Revere “warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure as he was riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.”So Paul Revere warned the British, huh? He stood up to those Red Coats by ringing bells and firing warning shots telling them something like “you ain’t gonna git my guns, you media lovin’ liberals!” I’m fairly certain if Sarah Palin’s revisionist version of history was correct, the British would have shot him on the spot claiming ‘What a silly sod‘.

In a related episode, Wikipedia’s page in Paul Revere was so inundated with Palin supporters trying to change history in her defense, it was locked. And, a day later or so, Sarah was asked on a TV talk show if she realized that she had screwed the pooch in her comments on Paul Revere? She attempted to re-revise her revisionist account, but also basically said the media was out to get her by cornering her with a “gotcha” question.

Lesson to be learned: When in doubt, some questions are better left unanswered, even if a 6-year old can answer them.

Lesson #3: Weinergate
Anthony David ‘Weiner’, U.S. Representative for New York’s 9th congressional district, screwed his own pooch, and possibly his web-cam, by first denying and then admitting having sent sexually explicit photographs of himself to several women on Twitter. One of the photos, sent via yfrog, was of his erect sex-related ‘namesake’ bulging in his boxer shorts.

At first, he lied straight-faced to the media and blamed unspecified ‘hackers’ for the photo. I doubt he was referring to ‘Lulz Security‘, the infamous hacker group that has been in the news lately for their raucous attacks on Sony, and whose logo is ‘the Lulz Boat’ (ala TV’s Love Boat). I don’t know, maybe he was thinking about his ‘mast’ and made the connection in his mind. Anyway, you can imagine that since the public leak, his Jim Beam must surely be flying at ‘half mast’.Lesson to be learned: If you’re going to keep your family name ‘Weiner’, make sure your son’s not a dick, or a politician.

Bonus Math Lesson:
And by the way, after reading lessons two and three above, I’m sure most anyone can understand who the rotten tomatoes from lesson one should be thrown at.

PS. Thanks for reading! Do you think Anthony Weiner should give up his seat in the Senate, or is it probably a better idea for him to stay seated until the swelling goes down?

Suggested Listening:

Stuck In The Middle With You Favorite Son [Feat. Green Day & The Cast Of American Idiot] Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Suggested Reading:

Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin: A Memoir of Our Tumultuous Years The Little Quiz Book of Big Political Sex Scandals Sexting 101: Is Your Teen Sex-Texting? Paul Revere's Ride

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